I’m in an Abusive Relationship… With Myself

You’re so stupid.

You’ll never amount to anything.

You are so ugly. No one will ever love you.

You’re a horrible mother. It’s a wonder your kids don’t hate you.

You’re crazy, it’s no wonder you spend every weekend home alone.

You’re a mess. Your house is a mess, your life is a mess.

These are just a few of the abusive thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis and a negative comment from anyone or any type of rejection sends these thoughts into overload.  It’s so much easier to latch onto the negative thoughts I hear instead of any positive ones. The negative comments reinforce the beliefs I already have about myself.

I second guess everything I do and say.  This makes social and work interactions so much harder than they should be and are a big reason that I avoid going out or letting people get too close. I always feel that everyone else is judging me as harshly as I judge myself, which I know from experience is sometimes true. All you have to do is turn on Facebook to see the judgemental and hate-filled posts directed at people that are posted every day. It seems that people’s default reaction is judgement, not empathy. 

I’ve had these thoughts for as long as I can remember and it is exhausting.  I constantly feel that I have to put on a mask and be who people want me to be. This mask is heavy and makes me just want to be alone so I can drop it and be myself. Sometimes it’s all I can do to make it through the day at work or even answer a phone call.

I never remember a time in my life where I didn’t doubt myself and find myself lacking.  It’s an ongoing battle that at times feels unwinnable but I will not stop fighting. For my sons, I will keep fighting. For my family, I will keep fighting. For my student staff and the students I teach, I will keep fighting. For me, I will keep fighting and I will do my best to make sure I’m spreading love, kindness and empathy instead of hate and judgement 

One thought on “I’m in an Abusive Relationship… With Myself

  1. Great post! We all try to be what others expect us to be to a certain extent. You just have to focus on the positive, not the negative. Love you!

    Like

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