You’re so stupid.
You’ll never amount to anything.
You are so ugly. No one will ever love you.
You’re a horrible mother. It’s a wonder your kids don’t hate you.
You’re crazy, it’s no wonder you spend every weekend home alone.
You’re a mess. Your house is a mess, your life is a mess.
These are just a few of the abusive thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis and a negative comment from anyone or any type of rejection sends these thoughts into overload. It’s so much easier to latch onto the negative thoughts I hear instead of any positive ones. The negative comments reinforce the beliefs I already have about myself.
I second guess everything I do and say. This makes social and work interactions so much harder than they should be and are a big reason that I avoid going out or letting people get too close. I always feel that everyone else is judging me as harshly as I judge myself, which I know from experience is sometimes true. All you have to do is turn on Facebook to see the judgemental and hate-filled posts directed at people that are posted every day. It seems that people’s default reaction is judgement, not empathy.
I’ve had these thoughts for as long as I can remember and it is exhausting. I constantly feel that I have to put on a mask and be who people want me to be. This mask is heavy and makes me just want to be alone so I can drop it and be myself. Sometimes it’s all I can do to make it through the day at work or even answer a phone call.
I never remember a time in my life where I didn’t doubt myself and find myself lacking. It’s an ongoing battle that at times feels unwinnable but I will not stop fighting. For my sons, I will keep fighting. For my family, I will keep fighting. For my student staff and the students I teach, I will keep fighting. For me, I will keep fighting and I will do my best to make sure I’m spreading love, kindness and empathy instead of hate and judgement